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Sense of Self

by Matt Gower

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1.
I’m so tired and you’re depressed I’m doing my best but the house is a mess Sometimes I don’t feel adequate I feel selfish, self-less All that’s left is hanging by a thread I’m tightly wound at my loosest end It’s hard, oh so hard to be present All that I want is to be a good friend We’re stuck inside and we’ve locked all the doors All your sorrows are mine and all my troubles are yours My fuse is short, my back is sore I’m losing hope for the outside world I need more sleep and I’m gaining weight I’m burning out as I fade away My self identity has got no shape It’s a stained glass window that’s lost its faith Those muted colours, it’s a crying shame I’m looking forward to looking forward again
2.
Spending my watch chasing birds in hand Not minding the flock passing by overhead Taking stock of dreams unplanned Stirring the pot, over words left unsaid What more shall I want? When I have you & you & you What else have I got? Without you & you & you My cup is full, yet I pine for its spill Upset on the table into a puddle of milk This street's straight and level but I climb it like a hill If I make it to heaven I'll atone my sins still Collecting my thoughts in an old cardboard box Beneath piles of dust and unmatched socks Memories caught, neither found nor lost No matter what, forget me not When the going gets hard, you follow your heart What more should I want, what else have I got? Forget me not, no matter what No matter what forget me not
3.
Soaring, soothing, flowing through me Coping, moving, truth and beauty Hoping, healing, hallelujah A broken heart’s only need is love I’m immortal, I’m your bricks and mortar I’m the water that surrounds your fortress I’m the leaves that fill your forest I’m the calm when you’re at peace Feel the strength of my arms held ‘round you Step by step up the tallest mountain Grant your wish cast in every fountain Beneath your feet, I am the ground In the silence of self reflection You’ll hear the echo of my voice Amongst the clutter of disconnection You’ll find my signal through the noise In the warming glow of my affection You won’t feel left out in the cold I’ll surround from all directions Hands on your shoulders as you hug the road
4.
I’ve got a generous heart Sometimes I won’t stand up I’ll wait until I’m at my worst Moments before I’m set to burst You can take these words with a grain of salt You can choose not to care for me at all And I’ll proudly carry the burden of fault But you’ll never know what you lost It’s a hard bargain, unconditional love You fight against its push, pull and shove It’s even harder to come to terms With the lessons rejection has earned I don’t mean to put you on the spot Just know that to me you meant a lot Please don’t pretend to be someone you’re not But you’ll never know what you lost I’ve got more to offer than you’ll know Who knows what the future holds I only toil in gardens with fertile soil Unburdened by lurking shadows Don’t tell me stories, I’ve heard the plot By now it’s folklore, I’ve seen a lot In your hindsight, I’m just a tiny dot But you’ll never know what you lost Just like that, I’m done and gone No goodbyes, no so longs I’m drifting off like a speck of dust And you’ll never know what you lost
5.
6.
The first thing they heard was the beat of your heart So they loved you forever right from the start Rocked asleep by the song of your breath You knew they were perfect before you ever met Your sense of self gets lost in their smell Touch your nose to their head and all is well You feel them close, deep down in your bones, They hold the world steady when it rattles your soul The first thing they ate was the milk from your breast Then came the bittersweet taste of gradual disconnect You laboured in vain all night and all day While I sat alone searching for the right things to say Blood drained and pale, exhausted from hours of pain, The first sight they saw was your smiling face You weren’t ready, it was impossible to prepare For the connection between, the bond that you share.
7.
Both Alone 04:00
Waiting for someone to pick up the phone While the chaos reaches a frenzied tone It’s not an option to put your life on hold And now we’re both alone The weight on our shoulders is a teetering stone But together we’re fighting a common foe Pushing it uphill, this rock barely rolls And now we’re both alone Some days I feel like I’ve got only half a soul And I need to lean on somebody whole Meanwhile I’m doing my best to atone And now we’re both alone It’s easy to forget what touches us both All I want is to crack your heartbreak’s code Let’s try to lift equal parts of this heavy load Then we’ll never be alone
8.
9.
10.
How to Swim 05:06
Knowing lines, drawn out and dried Informed by love, seasoned in time Tiny pathways carve the way back Marked by the little moments of your life Go out on a limb, dive right in Float on the water, soak it in This isn’t a lesson in learning how to swim It’s about finding comfort in your own skin Dip your toes into the depths of the unknown And let them soak Let the mysteries sink in with their wrinkled wisdom Just like prunes, left to dry in the sun It’s up to you to tell your story Nothing else matters after all There are many shades of glory Though some are best left unresolved
11.

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released June 25, 2021

Album Art by Leo Gower

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Matt Gower Ottawa, Ontario

For over 20 years, Matt Gower has been involved in the Ottawa music community. In that time, Matt has performed with Garage Folk band Capital Grass and the No Men, folk duo Fathom the Sea as well as solo gigs around the National Capital Region. Along Matt’s musical journey, a constant thread has held true: nothing carries more meaning than connecting with an audience through the power of song. ... more

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